Oh God, where to start????  We once laughed together... all the time, we talked, we joked, we shared our hopes and dreams....even worked together to obtain them.  So why, after all that, are we so far apart now.  Why did we let it sneak up on us?  How did we let it sneak up on us?  If we met as strangers today, would we fall in love all over again?  I know that answer and so do you.  No we wouldn't.  We wouldn't even like each other.  We don't even have enough in common to be friends.  No wonder we are seldom lovers anymore!!  Is there someone else for you?  Have you replaced me already?  I hope not.  That would hurt more than anything else does.  I'm so sad that we aren't in love with each other anymore.  (Don't try to fool yourself any longer)  You know we aren't.  It is simply that neither of us can say the words to the other.  Neither of us wants to be the one to speak out loud what our hearts already know.  We are cowards.  HA....there, I've admitted it at least in words.

We fight with each other over the things we used to share.  We don't support each others hopes and dreams.  We don't work together to obtain those hopes and dreams.  Hell, we don't even know what the others hopes and dreams are anymore, do we?  The sadness is so deep and so completely engulfing.  I don't know how we have managed this long.  More than two years now that I can remember since we last laughed freely, loved completely, felt the fire consume us.  We've lost it all and neither of us cares.  You said so yourself just minutes ago.  I cannot believe that you actually told me you wouldn't be coming back after work.  Did you mean never?  Or just for a while?  Why does that give me a sense of relief and not more sadness? 

Since you wont be coming home tonight.....I'm gonna drink again.  I'm sorry that you cannot forgive my intermittent indulgence to enjoy something that is not "pure".  I'm not "pure" anymore....I gave that to you!!!  Is that what your looking for?  Someone "pure" and untouched, like I used to be?  Or, have you already found her and that is why you wont be here tonight?  Is that where you're going?  I know who she is....she told us only three months ago.  Do you remember that conversation?  Actually, she told me and you joined in on the conversation.  I remember that night so very well.  You made love to me like you hadn't in a very long time.  Like I was precious and important and it was truly the most memorable experience I can remember.  Well, except our first.  Did you pretend that I was her that night?  I can see the way you've looked at her since......I know.

Okay, so the other day I was complaining because I settled for something that I didn't really want.  Remember, I wanted something else and let a family member talk me into settling for something different.  Any way, it turns out that I didn't settle, I actually got something pretty damn nice in the deal.  I was ready to spend ALL the cash I had been saving so that I could have something that I wanted.  Well, I got a different version of what I wanted for a whole lot less money.  I'm talking like 1/10th the price I was going to spend.  Turns out, I got an exceptional bargain!!!!!  Will I tell them that they were right and that even though they said the decision was mine I felt pressured to take the item they found?  HELL NO!!!!!! That would so totally defeat the whole guilt factor I made him feel.  He should feel guilty, even though I have something nice, which is what I wanted.  He should feel guilty because he played games to get me to see things his way.  Why not just say hey, this is what I think you should do because.........  wouldn't that be much better?  I wouldn't have been all pissy and feeling like I'd been cheated yet again.  Besides, that impulse item he wanted.....yeah you guessed I'm liking it ...... a whole hell of a lot!!!!  Damn don't ya hate when you've got a good mad going and then it just deflates from ALL possible angles?  Oh well, I'm laughing today and that is what counts!!!!

I'm starting to make new friends on here and I talked to like five of them last night till like 5am and it was a good time!!!!  To all my new friends......It's been fun getting to know you and I look forward to meeting you when our schedules allow.  Until then, take care and have a good time!!!!!!

Alice